Hoshiningen
by Chiwizard
Summary: What was life like for Yami right after Yugi solved the Millennium Puzzle? He reflects.


Tried giving my angst a whirl - this is what came out  
  
More disturbing then angsty, or at least confusing. Oh well.  
  
We don't Yu-Gi-Oh, /flashbacks/  
  
  
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I couldn't tell.  
  
  
  
Sometimes, when I look back, that's what really scares me.  
  
  
  
I couldn't tell.  
  
  
  
After Ra-knows how long I was lying in the dark…  
  
  
  
And then I couldn't tell…  
  
  
  
I thought I was him.  
  
  
  
No.  
  
  
  
Actually…  
  
  
  
I _was_ him, that was all I understood.  
  
  
  
The years, eons, of being awake in that impenetrable darkness…  
  
  
  
You couldn't know what it was like - luckily for my sanity I only vaguely recollect it.  
  
  
  
Even so, that nightmare ripped me apart.  
  
  
  
And then, when there finally was light -   
  
  
  
I had no self.  
  
  
  
No _me_.  
  
  
  
No memory left to contradict what 'my' eyes saw as normal life.  
  
  
  
I suppose, after all the sensory-deprivation, being so close to light and sound might throw me off a little.  
  
  
  
But…but this…  
  
  
  
I cannot describe it well enough, but I'll try…  
  
  
  
/My friends and I were walking, they were goofing off like they always did./  
  
  
  
It was such a little thing…  
  
  
  
/We had to stop. "Man, if traffic weren't so thick t-day -" "Yeah, but I'm not interested in getting myself pancaked." "I'd have to say ditto on that."/  
  
  
  
I'm not sure what really happened next…  
  
  
  
/Suddenly for a moment, things shifted. What in the desert were those things? The light changed and I crossed, still talking. But I hadn't said anything! I didn't speak this tongue! Then the cars started moving behind us and I couldn't figure out what had bothered me so much…/  
  
  
  
This only scratches the surface.  
  
  
  
It was a painful thing, exhilarating - but so hard…  
  
  
  
How can you tell if you've gone insane?  
  
  
  
Do things seem warmer and more pleasant?  
  
  
  
Does the world become a place of fear?  
  
  
  
The few I've met that have actually been insane weren't much help on the matter.  
  
  
  
Is it a place of rage, then?  
  
  
  
Am I already there?  
  
  
  
Maybe none of this is really happening, the duels, my friends, maybe it was all some twisted dream.  
  
  
  
Maybe I'm still asleep.  
  
  
  
…I never bother to check anymore.  
  
  
  
He doesn't have the faintest inkling of what I went through.  
  
  
  
What I'm still going through.  
  
  
  
Here's a riddle:  
  
  
  
How does half a soul exist on it's own?  
  
  
  
The answer?  
  
  
  
_It_ _can't_.  
  
  
  
…Even now, I can pass as one of them.  
  
  
  
Solidarity - now _that_ was a interesting experiment!  
  
  
  
I can eat - I do eat, mostly to fit in.  
  
  
  
I have absolutely no idea where it goes afterwards, but I do.  
  
  
  
Heh…I even agreed to 'enroll' so that my Hikari no longer has to suffer long and dull classes whilst I do not.  
  
  
  
I can see exactly why he and the others hate it now, all too well.  
  
  
  
But…  
  
  
  
After Ra sinks to begin his travels through the lands of the Afterlife, and when my Hikari sleeps…  
  
  
  
I have to go back.  
  
  
  
That's it.  
  
  
  
I've tried - oh how I've tried!  
  
  
  
But despite what he believes, I can not spend a full night outside.  
  
  
  
Never.  
  
  
  
When he has troubled nights, I know long enough beforehand to be outside when he wakes up.  
  
  
  
But otherwise, I can't fight the call.  
  
  
  
Even now - even after all this time and having been acknowledged as a separate mind, even after all of that - I am still a part of him.  
  
  
And a whole is never easy when a part is out of place.  
  
  
  
He's mentioned it - how weird and empty it feels, whenever we're separated - the ache of the parting.  
  
  
  
He has no idea.  
  
  
  
The first time we were truly forcefully separated, I was still inside the Puzzle.  
  
  
  
An inattentive moment on my part - and then something tore me from him.  
  
  
  
It's strange…  
  
  
  
Even inside the Puzzle, with the access to the formidable power that is stuck in here with me…  
  
  
  
I passed out.  
  
  
  
I'm serious - I simply passed out.  
  
  
  
I was groggy and just half-conscious when Aibou reached out to me, and then before I could finish - I passed out _again_.  
  
  
  
My personal weakness, and a private one - he blamed himself for it.  
  
  
  
The other truly memorable time must have been that one incident…  
  
  
  
Kidnappings and abductions have really gotten a lot more complicated since my time.  
  
  
  
Back then, you could be simply clubbed over the head, stuffed in the hut just next door - and no one would ever find you.  
  
  
  
…A quote my Aibou's Grandfather explained to me once; "Oh how things change, and oh how they stay the same."  
  
  
  
I think that's how it goes.  
  
  
  
Once I was out of the Puzzle and was mistaken for my Hikari.  
  
  
  
This happens both ways, a _lot_, and frankly neither of us enjoys it.  
  
  
  
Afterwards I had a sort of satisfaction of being the one hit over the head.  
  
  
  
I'm pretty certain the idiots would have killed anyone else.  
  
  
  
Later I discovered they were planning on abducting Aibou just for kicks and maybe a small ransom.  
  
  
  
Anyway, when I came to, the first thing that really caught my attention - besides the pyramid-sized lump on my skull - was the incredible strain I was feeling inside my mind.  
  
  
  
As I said, a whole is never easy when a part is out of place.  
  
  
  
What I have yet to mention is how the part feels to _be_ out of place.  
  
  
  
Ripped apart - adrift - _alone_.  
  
  
  
Nothing seems solid.  
  
  
  
Your thoughts become twisted, disoriented.  
  
  
  
The strain was from some hidden part of my mind, trying to keep things under control.  
  
  
  
You see, there's a little extra detail I don't believe I've ever mentioned.  
  
  
  
I happen to possess incredibly high levels of negative energy - hence the 'Yami' status.  
  
  
  
Coupled with Aibou's positive energy, enough is canceled out for me to have excellent control over it.  
  
  
  
When we're separated for too long, however…  
  
  
  
/ I was cut off. Completely cut off. And judging from the meager light coming from a nearby crack, Ra had nearly sunk from sight. This was about the time I had last left the Puzzle, yesterday. "Hey look, the squirt's awake."/  
  
  
  
I still hate to think about this part…  
  
  
  
/ Some people were there. I barely noticed them. I had…slightly bigger problems to worry about. I could feel the energy surging in waves, I could practically _see_ it pulsing around me. And with the power came the worse thing - the mindset that could control it. Call it an alter ego, or even my own darker side, but it was as irresistible as a sandstorm./  
  
  
  
I don't remember what happened directly after this.  
  
  
  
Save a few flashes that I have no desire to relive.  
  
  
  
But…  
  
  
  
As it turned out, my Hikari and his friends, even that low-life grave robber, found me rather soon after.  
  
  
  
I know I wasn't under control.  
  
  
  
I also know I nearly killed one or more of them.  
  
  
  
They forgave me.  
  
  
  
I haven't.  
  
  
  
It's been weeks, and still whenever I'm out of the Puzzle Aibou keeps watching me constantly out of the corner of his eyes.  
  
  
  
I can't very well tell him to stop it - after all, he's just being concerned with my welfare.  
  
  
  
But I can hate it.  
  
  
  
I am not helpless - I am fully aware of what my power can do, better then anyone living or dead.  
  
  
  
I can harness it at higher levels…to a degree.  
  
  
  
The things that can be done with it…that I have done with it…it's the sort of power that our neighborhood grave-digger would love to get his greedy hands on.  
  
  
  
He would never be able to understand it, how it surges and swells just below the surface, waiting for that careless error of mine that will set it free…  
  
  
  
It would certainly destroy him.  
  
  
  
It destroyed me.  
  
  
  
Even now, I can feel it still slowly consuming me.  
  
  
  
What little that was left of the real me has long since died.  
  
  
  
Hmm…  
  
  
  
No wonder I so easily took to being him.  
  
  
~~~~ 


End file.
